you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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