1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
