last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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