"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
