i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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