Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
