chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
