every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
