Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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