Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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