Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
