i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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