Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
