i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
