nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
