i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
