If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
