is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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