My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
