I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
