You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
