Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
