How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
