so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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