My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
