i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
