I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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