Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
