do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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