I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
