How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
