A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
