did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
