Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
