Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
