is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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