I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm like, not good at living.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
