If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
