my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
