Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
