I am puke
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
