i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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