I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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