her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
