If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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