You just made me feel so damn special
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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