listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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