Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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