I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
