How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
