I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
