God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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