we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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