I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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