I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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