I must be too annoying 4 u.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
